Things suck

Period.

I bought 7 pairs of undies from Aerie today for 20 dollars. I had a 5 dollar off coupon, and there was a sale going on. SO AWESOME. I love them all. I also tried on this emormous, ridiculous push up from VS. It made my boobs look giant. Huge. Unrealistically large. I sent a picture to Evan and of course he told me to buy it. I couldn't though. 1. It was 50 dollars. 2. Everyone would be able to tell I was wearing a giant push up, because there was more bra than I have boob. Oh well, it was cool having boobs for a minute. I'm still pumped about new underwear.

So many people I know from high school/college are already married or have kids. It's crazy. I feel like marriage is acceptable but having kids right now is insane! I still feel so young.

Well I looked my demons in the eyes,
laid bare my chest, said "Do your best, destroy me.
You see, I've been to hell and back so many times,
I must admit you kind of bore me."
There's a lot of things that can kill a man,
there's a lot of ways to die,
listen, some already did that walked beside me.
There's a lot of things I don't understand,
why so many people lie.
Its the hurt I hide that fuels the fire inside me.

I just got home from work and I'm exhausted. Now I'm laying in bed while my pup drives me nuts by jumping on me/barking/doing puppy things. He was in the kennel for almost 7 hours while I was at work, so he's really hyper and just wants to play right now. My 2-6 client cancelled tomorrow, so Ollie won't have to be in the kennel for as long.

I got home from Haverhill last night. Being down there was absolutely wonderful. I got there at about 1am late Sunday night, and by the time Evan and I ate and visited, we didn't get to sleep until about 3:30. I didn't want to go to sleep. I just wanted to lay in bed and snuggle all night. We took Ollie running several times when I was there which was nice. I won't even get into the incident at the dog park...ugh. Anyways, I had such a great time with Evan. I missed him so much. He seriously is my best friend and it's crappy that the person I can talk to and confide in most, is so far away. Oh well, summer is already a month over. By the time I know it, summer will be over and I won't have to sleep alone anymore.

I don't really remember what I was going to write. Evan called me and I lost my train of thought.

Ohh Jamaica is in 2 weeks. I'm super excited! I'm not really excited about spending all of my money, but it will be worth it. I just want to swim. Too bad I feel like complete crap in my bathing suit...thats why I'm going to the gym tomorrow with Kelsie. I'm going to try to go as often as possible. I have to go whenever she's free cause she is the one with the gym membership, and I can only get in for free if I go with her. I did an ab workout earlier today and my abs are killing me. So pathetic hahah. OH! I Finally got the "okay" from my physical therapist that I can run again!!! I'm so excited! I've missed running. I ran almost every day last summer, and not being able to run at all this summer has sucked. I'm not sure how it's going to go tomorrow. I'm probably going to do really really light running. Coming down hard on my knee is still pretty painful, so my "run" tomorrow is going to be more of a really light jog. It will still be nice though.

Okay, I'm going to bed. Gotta work at 8am. Gross.

Lately.

Hmm my life as of late = work. That's basically it. I haven't had a day off in so long. Well over a month! BUT I'm leaving for Haverhill tomorrow night! Depending on when Ev gets out of work will depend on what time I leave Brewer. I'll probably leave around 9 or 10pm. I'm beyond excited to see him! It's going to be wonderful. I have missed him sooo much. I've missed being with him every day. Doing absolutely everything together. Grocery shopping, walking Ollie, laying in bed watching tv, cooking dinner together, snuggling, going to bed together, sleeping together. Everything!! I miss it all! Igdrijfdkbgfj I just want tonight and tomorrow to be over so I can drive down and see my boy! Goodness.

The other day Kelsie and I took the dogs to the park. They loved it! Ollie got to run and run and he even escaped through the fence and was free for a minute. I almost had a heart attack. The field we let them run in is a big fenced in baseball field. There are 3 or 4 small openings in the fence, and Ollie and Spencer managed to find one of them and run out! They came back though which was good. After that they didn't escape anymore. Ollie was so tired after the park. He slept the whole ride home, fell asleep when we got home, and stayed asleep for 4 hours! He was a sleepy baby.

Okay that's basically my life lately. Jamaica in 20 days. FUCK YES.

Why am I so goddamn sick?! My throat feels like there are razors in it. My body feels like it got hit by a bus. And the only person who can snuggle the sick outta me is far away. Bummer. Oh and I lost 7 hours of work today. Double bummer. I hate today. Gonna drag my ass out of bed and go get a Popsicle.

Summer so far.

I'm really enjoying my new job. So far I've worked with Kelsie every shift so it makes it even more fun. It's such a change from my first job. That one isn't horrible, I'm just bored with feeding and bathing old people. Making pizza and sandwiches and serving people ice cream is relaxing and almost therapeutic after a day of work with some of my clients. I've been exhausted, but I really need the money, so sleep and relaxation at home is going to have to wait. I think I'm going to hopefully be working more at the creamery. MAS was kind of a jerk to me when I told them I got another job and wasn't interested in working 7 days a week anymore. They said "well that's going to be difficult.." I was like, ummm okay? They took two of my clients away from me because they wouldn't let another worker work with them the one day a week that I asked to be off. Kind of ridiculous. They asked me to work 9 times a week with one client. 7 mornings from 8-9 and then two nights from 5-6. I told them that I would be more than willing to pick up 7 of those shifts, so in total I would be with her 5 days a week. They got pissy and acted like I was the person being unreasonable. I was more than willing to work with them so I could keep my clients, and they acted like it was a problem and that I didn't deserve to have a day a week off. So, next week is my last week working for them during the week. I'll have clients Saturday and Sunday and will be working in the creamery during the week and on Sundays as well.

It's kind of nice that I won't have to work for MAS during the week, but I'm losing my absolute favorite client. She is the sweetest women. She's 99 years old, and all I do is make her breakfast or dinner and go for walks with her. Oh well, hopefully I'll be getting enough hours at the creamery.

In other news, now that I won't be working at MAS during the week, my availibilty has opened up a bit. I'm planning a trip to Haverhill June 7th for a couple days. It will be nice to see Evan. That day is also our 20 month anniversary. Not that we are going to celebrate 20 months, it's just crazy. I can't believe we are going on 2 years. I've never been in a happy relationship for this long. I really have no doubts that we
will be together for a long time. He gave me a beautiful ring in October. Not THE ring, but it's a ring that means something to both of us. I
feel extremely lame and cliche saying it, but I'm about 100% positive that Ev's "the one." I hate that term, and yet I still used it to describe
him.

Okay enough of this shizz. I'm just getting like this because I miss him!

Today

Today was alright. I got another job. This one is at an ice cream/pizza shop. I think it's probably just going to be for the summer, but who knows. I need to figure out when I'm going to work there, so I can figure out when I'm going to work my first job. I think it will be okay because I usually work days, and so far I'm just working nights there. I'm hoping they don't interfere too much, cause I need as many hours as possible. The money situation sucks right now.

Anyways, I took Ollie for a walk tonight. We went around the block, then down the street almost to the river, then back around the block the other way. He was pooped after and came upstairs to get a drink, then fell right to sleep. I hope working two jobs is going to be okay with him. I don't want him to feel neglected! I'm going to be exhausted, but I really need to make sure to walk him a lot.

Tonight was good. I was watching a movie downstairs and then Andy and Val came downstairs and asked if I wanted to play some scrabble card game. It was pretty fun, and it was nice to actually do something instead of just sitting there and watching tv.

I miss Evan. I really want him to come see me, but he seems really against it. I understand he doesn't want to make the trip, but it sucks that he would rather just not drive than come see me. I would be there in a second if I didn't work literally every day of the week. My next day off is June 24th as if right now, so I really can't go down there. Uuugh. Hopefully we get to see each other before that. Being away from each other is really hard. Oh well, we'll figure it out.

Okay I'm done. I had to write this on the stupid iPhone because I no longer have a working computer. JUNK!

I hate saying goodbye

Evan's packing right now. He's leaving in the morning.



I'm so bummed right now. :'(

I love my pup

Seriously, I do. He is the only thing keeping me sane when Evan is away. He's chasing his tail at the end of my bed right now, then stopping and peeking over the covers to me. He's great! I skipped class today so Ollie could be out of the kennel for more time. I was suppose to be in class from 10-12, then go to work from 12:30-1:30, then I had to run to the office to get my paycheck/talk to my boss, THEN go to physical therapy and finally go home. I didn't want Ollie to be all alone for that long, so I didn't go to class. Poor pup is going to be in his kennel for a long time tomorrow. :( I was suppose to work 8-9, but that client cancelled which is nice, but I still work 10-1, then 2-6. Poooooop. I think I'm going to have Andy take him out several times during the day, just so he can pee and stretch his legs a little.

Anyways, Beky, you inspired me to "shop" online without actually buying. (Which is so depressing because I want EVERYTHING and can't get any of it.) So I've been on Forever 21's website, putting about 8273i12 things in my bag, and fantasizing that I can press the "checkout" button. Hmmm, if only...I need to shop at least once before Jamaica, because I have no shorts and about one tank top that I actually enjoy wearing. That's not gonna cut it! My bag has 117 dollars worth of stuff in it..man oh man I wish I could buy it all! Oh well.

Summer is almost here. I wish I was excited about it. Evan's leaving for four months in just over a week. UGH. It's going to be so hard. The first summer SUCKED, last summer sucked and I'm hoping this summer will suck a little less, but it probably won't. I hate being away from him for long periods of time. Maybe I'm just extremely selfish? I probably am. I've dated him for going on 2 years, lived with him for 8 months, and am so used to being with him everyday, and sleeping next to him every night. I'm going to be lonely! We just have to get through this summer, then we are DONE being separated for the summer. He'll move back here at the end of August, we'll go to school for the next 8 months, graduate then pack our bags and move to either NH or MA. I can't wait! I need to find a school down there though. I think I'm going to take a year off, then go back for my masters. When I graduate next year I'll have a Bachelors degree in Clinical Psychology with my MHRTC (Mental Health Rehabilitation Technician Certification) which sounds fancy, but I really can't do much with that, soooo I have to go to grad school at some point. I'm looking forward to that actually. I'm also looking forward to my internship next year. Can't wait to work with actual clients!

Okay this is quite enough I think. Here's my family. :) I love both of those boys a ridiculous amount.

Empty bed and I'm cold

Empty bed for the second night. I guess it's just getting me ready for summer. :(

I miss Evan.

Ollie doesn't normally like to snuggle, but he just jumped on the bed and fell asleep on me. So naturally I had to take a picture. God I love him.

I started my new job. It's going to be interesting to say the least. I work with mostly older people, though I do have one client who is only 39. Basically I do whatever the person wants me to do. Like this weekend, I cleaned an apartment for someone. I also have to help people get dressed, bathe (including sponge baths - EW) and help them eat and stuff. So far I don't really mind it TOO much. I don't really like giving people baths..but I'm already getting used to it. I feel like it's more embarrassing to them, than it is to me. I was suppose to be at work right now, but I got a call saying my client wasn't doing very well, and that he had to go to the hospital, so no work for me right now. I have to work at 4 though. My shifts aren't like regular work shifts. They are only usually 3 hours at a time at most, and three hours with these clients is PLENTY for a day.


I wrote that yesterday before I went to work. Yesterday at work was so shitty. The hardest day by far. This lady was extremely cranky, and took it out on me. I was literally standing in the kitchen, almost in tears because she was just such a bitch to me. Ugh. The first thing she said when she saw me was, "another new girl?!? I'm SICK of them sending me new girls!" Thanks lady, way to make me feel welcomed. She probably has so many new girls all the time because she's such an ass to everyone, and no one wants to work with her. Oh well, I need to stick it out. This job will look really good on my resume, so I need to suck it up and deal with it. It's hard though. I just wish that for once I was in a job that I actually liked.

Anyway. I'm really looking forward to Jamaica. I'm requesting June 24th-July 5th off, so I won't have to go right back to work the second I get back. Can't wait!!

Tomorrow is going to suuuuccckkkk. I have class from 10-12, I have to run to Hudson to work with a client from 1230-230, I have to go back to the bitchy lady from 4-7, and then I have to bring Evan to Portland or something to meet his mom half way. Then I get to drive home and sleeeeeep. I'm going to be ridiculously exhausted. Oh well.

Okay, time for physical therapy.

Saturday Morning

I really wanted to go to Bagel Central for lunch, but they are closed. So, I might convince Evan to go to Paddy Murphey's for dinner. (Even though we really really shouldn't..we're too poor.) Anyway, this is how Evan chose to spend his Saturday morning:

Reversing the vacuum so It blew air into his mouth.


And Again..


And finally, sucking up my hair.


Here's a picture I took of Ollie about 5 seconds ago. Evan was trying to suck him into the vacuum as well. I don't think he liked it.


Right now he's sitting at the bottom of the stairs watching Evan vacuum. He looks like a Hyena.

History class and a little Easter.

Currently, I'm sitting in the history class that earlier today, I contemplated skipping. Oh well, it's only for an hour and 15
minutes. Not bad at all! We have a test in a week. You would think that a multiple choice test in US History I would be easy, but my teacher likes to have about 7 different answers, most of which say "A and B only," "All of the above EXCEPT C," or "None of the above." This drives me crazy. I think I know the answer, than I second guess myself, get it wrong and do terrible on the test. I'm making all A's in my psych classes, and this stupid Gen. Ed. class is bring my GPA down. Oh well.

Anyway, Easter was a good time. Evan and I headed out to Dixmont around 4 on Saturday. When we got there, 3 of my favorite people (Kalen, Wylie and Nora) were out in my field flying a kite.

Here's Tara flying the kite with Kalen.


They are so ridiculously cute. I've babysat for some cute kids, but these one's are by far my favorite. I'm pretty lucky to have such a great niece and nephews. That night, we ordered a ridiculous amount of sushi, and I stuffed my stomach full of shrimp rolls, cucumber rolls, sweet potato rolls, and agedashi tofu. YUM. I love when my Mom suggest we order sushi. It's probably one of my favorite meals, and I can eat SO MUCH of it without getting full. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing...

Easter morning was nice. I like watching the little kids open their baskets, and I enjoyed opening mine! This was the last year that I get one. :( My mom was nice enough to put a gas card and a Hannaford gift card in my basket. Gonna grocery shop tonight! We went to my Mom's friends barn where she had 7 new adorable baby lambs that we got to feed with a bottle! They were so cute, and would suck on your fingers if you put them near their mouth.



Here's a picture of a cute baby lamb sucking on Evan's finger!



There was also a cow there that pooped twice and peed twice in the ten minutes we were standing there next to it. After that, we went back to my house and ate a big meal of pork tenderloin, potatoes, salad, asparagus, and bread. It was delicious, and I was too full to eat any of the strawberry-rhubarb pie or brownie sundaes that were for dessert.

Ollie got to run off the leash a few times, which was nice. Him, Barkley and Sage when crazy and ran around the field, all the way to the pond where they all jumped in and got soaking wet and smelly. Ollie loved it! (Besides the water..I don't think he's much of a water dog.)

Yesterday, it was beautiful out. Evan and I decided to bring Ollie to the water front and have a picnic. It was windy, but I had a lot of fun. We made egg salad sandwiches, packed crackers, and applesauce and on the way we picked up some iced tea and Doritos. We left shortly after we finished eating because the wind picked up and it started to cloud over.



Hmm, oh yeah, my knee is doing well. Real sore after I go to physical therapy, but it's doing really well. I'm not suppose to be off crutches for another 2 weeks, but when I'm at home I don't use them much. I still wear my brace and I'm real careful though, but I can already feel that by just walking without crutches is starting to strengthen my leg. I can't wait until I get the okay for no more crutches and no more brace! It will be great. (Though the handicap parking decal is pretty sweet, too.)

All in all, my life is going in the right direction. I'm happy, Evan's happy, and I'm pretty sure Ollie is happy as well. We have 6 more weeks of school which is nice, but I'm not looking forward to when it's over. That means Evan leaves me for 4 months. 4 months without him is so hard. It's hard to get used to an empty bed. It sucks not having anyone to talk to before bed every night, and right when I wake up. Oh well, at least for most of the summer I'll have Ollie. I know I'm going to cave and let him sleep out of the kennel. Even though I know he won't snuggle with me! He hates sleeping on the bed. He gets too hot.

Okay this is quite enough I think.

Home finally.

I don't have any new pictures...BUT I do have an update.

Finally out of the hospital. YES. I was there for 9 days which sucked a lot. I found out I had C. Difficile, which is basically a fancy name for "puking and shitting ALL DAY LONG." I couldn't keep anything down, so I had to be in there for a few extra days with an IV in. But, now I'm home and it's great. I started physical therapy yesterday, so that was nice. It's going to be hard, but it's alright. My stitches came out today AND I got a handicap decal for my car...which is going to be sweet. HAHAHA I'm an old lady. Ollie grew a lot since I left for surgery. He's huge now. He's also doing really well with not jumping on me. He's getting good about jumping up on only Evan's side of the bed too. The other day when I got home from the hospital, Evan went up to get Ollie and I heard him yelling at Ollie. I figured he was peeing on Evan or something, but it turned out that Ollie had somehow pulled his harness into his kennel, and chewed it in half. Evan had to destroy it even more, and turn it into a collar for him. He kept pulling out of it though, so a trip to petco was made. I wasn't there, but I guess Evan put the new harness on Ollie, and brought a new toy and the tag up to the counter to be paid for. The women at the register thought the tag was trash, so she just threw it away!! Free harness!!! OH! The day I got home from the hospital, my mom took Evan and I grocery shopping. It was awesome. Normally, we spend about 70 dollars every couple of weeks on food. My mom just took us down every isle and asked us if we wanted anything. I grabbed a frozen pizza and she was like "you only want one?! Have another one" and she put another in the cart. It was ridiculous. She ended up buying us like 230 dollars worth of groceries...we are good for a long time, which is really awesome. I was soooo thankful that she took us! She also filled the gas tank for us! I think she felt bad since I'd been sick and been in the hospital for so long.

Hmm anyway, I think that's it. I have to pee, and it takes me about 5 minutes to get down the stairs, so I better go now.

Heated blanket, Monday, Jamaica, Ollie. Jumbled thoughts.

I love the heated blanket Evan's mom bought for us. I find myself laying under it an awful lot...like right now. I go into surgery on Monday morning. The surgery is at 8:30am, but they are going to call me today and let me know what time I need to be there. I feel like it's 6:30 or something. I'm really not looking forward to it. The fact that I have to basically get three surgeries in one day is real shitty. If it was just the ACL surgery it would be fine, because I've already gone through that once, and I know I can do it again. It hurts A LOT, but I know I can do it. But now I have this other surgery to go through..I don't even remember what it's called. Basically they are going to be cutting a piece of my tibia out and moving it over so my knee cap is in line with the rest of my leg. Sounds simple enough, but it's really going to suck. With an ACL surgery, they encourage you to put as much weight as possible on your leg after the surgery so it can start being strengthened. With this surgery, I'm not allowed to put more than 25% of my weight on my leg for 6 weeks because since they cut bone out of my tibia, it's fragile and can break my leg. Awesome. I just really hope this doesn't slow down my recovery. My doctor said the recovery time is about the same, and if I work real hard in physical therapy I should be okay. I just want to be okay for Jamaica. I'm looking forward to going so much. I know I won't be completely recovered, but I'm pretty positive I'll be fine for walking and such. I don't think I can run or anything for like 6 months, but who knows. I think that once the first six weeks are over, and I can walk without crutches, my recovery and progress will be much better. I just have to make sure I don't push myself too hard and screw something up in the process. djskfhskjdhfskjdhf ugh. I just keep thinking about Jamaica. Basically, Jamaica is going to be my reward to myself after my surgery. If I do really well in PT and try my absolute hardest, I get to go to Jamaica with Evan and his family. If I don't do well and am lazy about my rehab, then my knee is screwed for life and I go to Jamaica and don't get to do half the stuff I want to do. Oh and speaking of Evan's family. They are absolutely great. I feel really welcomed at their house and love going there and visiting with Evan. I'm really lucky that they are letting me tag along to Negril this summer!!! I keep looking at pictures of the Blue Cave Castle. :)

Anywho, in other news....Ollie is losing teeth real fast!! His mouth was all bloody yesterday, and I looked in it and he had a tooth coming in. It was gross. He's also a shark right now, because there are some teeth that are coming in right next to his baby teeth, so he has two rows of teeth. He's getting SO HUGE. I tried picking him up today and it was really hard. He weighs so much right now, and I could barely walk while holding him. I'm not going to be able to pick him up at all soon. :( Oh well, maybe that means he will be big enough for me to ride??

He loves to eat his tail..

I look goofy...but you can kind of see how big he is!

He also likes to lay on our pillows.

Sleeping on the floor with Dad.

Surprised? Astounded? Strange? Yes.

Wow..I never write on this. I should though, because writing helps when I'm stressed, and right now it seems like every day I get more and more stressed. School is a bit ridiculous right now. I have two classes MWF that are back to back with the same teacher. We have 13+ projects this semester. I find myself ALWAYS reading so I can meet the deadlines of my upcoming papers. I have 2 papers due this coming Monday, and then one due on Friday. Oh well. I found out a few months ago that I have to have another knee surgery. I've been thinking about my last knee surgery for a while. The surgery wasn't that bad...it was the rehab that was awful. It was was terrible, and I'm not looking forward to going through it again. BUMMER.

These two boys are going to keep me sane when I can't walk for 6 weeks.

Ollie is getting gigantic. He's huge and still snuggly!!! He doesn't really like his head being touched, but if I grab him, he will sit there for me when I get my fill of kissing and petting him. :)

My little closet puppy.

A couple of weekends ago, we drove down to Durham (About 2 hours South of here) to go to a get together at my Aunts house. While we were there, we all drove to Durham State Park to hike Bradbury Mountain. It was a beautiful day, and Ollie absolutely loved the hike. He would have loved to be off of the leash, but unfortunately that's not possible. He loves to run and he would definitely take off if he was off the leash. He got lots of exercise though, and as soon as we got back into the car, my sleepy boy fell right to sleep.

He carried this stick almost all the way to the top of the Mountain. It was pretty cute. :)

Hanging out in the car on the way to the mountain.

As much as I love Ollie right now (which is a lot!!), I miss how small he used to be. When he was a tiny 8 week old baby, he would just love to be held and cuddled. He was also super fluffy and he didn't shed at all. Now, our bed, clothes, blankets, and bodies are COVERED in white fur!! Oh well, he's still wonderful and I wouldn't change anything about him!!

Okay, I think this is quite enough. Maybe it won't be so long in between posts next time...maybe.